


Spinning Tops (out of the light)

by MCUsic_to_my_ears



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Delusions, Depression, Dreams vs. Reality, F/M, Gen, Good Friend Ned Leeds, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Illusions, Michelle Jones Is a Good Bro, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Paranoia, Peter Parker Deserves Better, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Protective Michelle Jones, Protective Ned Leeds, Spider-Man: Far From Home (Movie) Spoilers, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Worried Ned Leeds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-23 14:13:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19703020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MCUsic_to_my_ears/pseuds/MCUsic_to_my_ears
Summary: After Beck, Peter is unsure where the illusions stop and reality begins.





	Spinning Tops (out of the light)

Light always made it worse. Darkness allowed for misconception, but light implied trust. Implied safety. Nobody got mugged at two in the afternoon. Brightness distracted from the breaks in illusion. Peter preferred the numbing blackness to a guiding star any day. 

At the beginning of every school day, Ned shared a new detail from their childhood. A secret only they carried together. Confirmation of a stolen reality. May did the same when she returned home, finding him curled up by her bedroom door, clutching at the EDITH glasses hooked to whichever of Tony's old t-shirts he has chosen that day. And when MJ came over to go on a walk or to see a movie, she would remind of morbid truths only she would know and think important enough for Peter to remember. 

When night fell, Peter was able to relax again. To patrol and protect Queens against the quickening fires lighting up at each continuity break. 

He explained to his therapist, after a spoken code word, the ending of _Inception._ How Cobb doesn't know if he's still in a dream, but he's too scared to find out. The top wobbling, dream or not, he was happy now. Peter wasn't happy. The top wasn't spinning. He hadn't set it up in his fingers yet. 

His therapist made Peter keep a record of all the times he thought he saw an illusion after Beck died. His notebook was empty. It wasn't a true illusion if he could identify it. It couldn't be identified if it was a true illusion. Instead, he etched tallies on his skin in permanent marker every time his Spidey Sense went off with no explanation. MJ always discussed the reasons behind each line, helped ease the worry as each event was rationalized. That MJ always waited as long as possible to recite a fact. He was pretty sure she wasn't real, but he didn't spin the top. Didn't write in the notebook or uncap his Sharpie. She only came over at night, so there was no real harm in her anyway. She didn't glow. She was safe for now. 

Sometimes, Peter would ask MJ about the things she said at night. She would always claim the words as her own, but there was always an inkling of surprise in her eyes. A light her can't trust but wants too. The MJ at night stays far away from him, while May and Ned and day MJ constantly reassure him with small touches. 

May asked him once, who he face times at night. Why his window was always open if he got cold so easily. Peter couldn't admit to her that the MJ he should trust existed rose and set with the sun and that he one he shouldn't was the unwavering shadow he placed his sanity in. His light MJ was his source of happiness, but his night MJ fueled his stability. He refused to lose either. He didn't spin the top.


End file.
